So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize