i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
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