You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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