How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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