I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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