I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
