i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
