He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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