Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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