how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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