I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
