i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
