He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
