she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
