About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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