so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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