you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
