Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
