dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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