the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
