wanna go halves on a baby?
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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