I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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