As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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