All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
