why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
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