BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
Randomize
