Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
