I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
MORE IMPORTANTLY I THINK I JUST WATCHED SOMEONE GET SO LONELY AS TO TURN BISEXUAL??
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
Randomize
