You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
