my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
