i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
