I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
