So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
