when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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