I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we just decided that lesbian tuesdays are a must, as of tomorrow.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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