i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
