Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
