Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
I am full of burrito and curiosity
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Two words: nipple clamps
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