Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Randomize
