i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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