Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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