epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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