You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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