Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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