I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
Randomize
