physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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