Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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