I accidentally burped into my bong.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Randomize
