My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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