i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Randomize
