I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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