I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
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