If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
In America we eat man semen.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
