i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
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