we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
